Mama Wishes on Your First Day of School

Dear Chloe,

Today is the day.  A day that seems bigger, almost, than the last few birthdays.  A day that fills me with the same kinds of feelings that I have gotten on other special, unique and momentous days.  The day you were born.  Your first birthday.  Your last bottle.  The night before your brother was bown.  Today is the day that you start school.  A journey that you continue on for the next 14+ years. Cue the tears...

Last night you couldn't fall asleep.  There were tears.  You were nervous.  "Mommy, what if I want to play with someone and they don't want to play with me.  I wish I knew just ONE person at school.  I'm scared about meeting new kids.  What if they don't want to be my friend?"  Oh baby.  I put on a big smile and said all those mommy things I'm supposed to say.  And then I went into the living room and cried.  Because for the first time ever, I can't promise that everything will be alright.  Yes, those things may happen.  Yes, you will meet a child along the way who won't want to play with you.  Who isn't interested in being your friend.  Who is mean to you.  Who doesn't share.  Who makes you feel sad.  And I won't be there.

I think what gets me is that this begins the era of you having a part of your life that I don't know about.  You will come home talking about a kid that I don't know.  A field trip you went on at a place that I've never been.  A project you bring home that I didn't even know that you were working on.  That's what brings the tears for me.

This morning you woke up and all apprehension was gone.  You told me and daddy that you had a dream that you went to school and it was AWESOME.  And now, instead of being scared, you were excited.  That's my girl.  We brought you in, dropped off your sparkly purple backpack, put your Monsters Inc. folder in the designated basket, and left you to play cars with 2 other girls on the rainbow carpet that you decided you instantly loved.  And I was fine.  I really was.  I gave you a hug and told you I loved you.  I watched your brother give you a hug and then, confused, try to sit down and play cars.  And then we left.  And I made the mistake of looking through the window as I walked out.  You saw me and waved and gave me your nervous little smile.  I waved, walked out the door, and wept.  My little girl....

It was just too big of a moment for my brain and heart to handle, and, as Daddy said, I exploded.  I cried in the car.  I got home and packed up.  You see today was my first day too.  I arrived at school thinking I was ok.  Then I saw a dear friend and started crying again.

When I was little, I never understood why my mom was always crying at HAPPY events.  C'mon, mom, stop being such a sap... we're supposed to be HAPPY.  The first day of school is a HAPPY day, right?  Now I get it, mom.  And I'm glad I cry.  Thank you.

I'm writing this as I am home for lunch and you is already home from your first day eating hot dog spaghetti (thanks for that "recipe," Nana!) and tell us how wonderful your day was.  You went outside on the playground. You colored a picture.  Another girl had a "My Little Pony" shirt on.  You locked herself in the bathroom stall but then figured out how to get out.  The beginning.  Of all those stories.   Of new kinds of memories.

Little girl, I can't wait.

Love to to pieces,

Mommy